journals

september 23rd, 2025

It's officially been 7 months and 25 days since we started talking, 7 months and 24 days since I saw you in person for the first time, and 5 months and 28 days since we started dating. Our 6 month anniversary is almost here, and I don't think I've ever been more anxious. I mean, I don't think I've ever been in a relationship that's lasted this long without it starting to fall apart at least a little bit by now. Everything from here on out is uncharted territory, and that scares me. But I'm excited — and so incredibly happy, possibly happier than I've ever been in a relationship.

I've found that it's easy to love you. So easy to the point where it feels natural, almost as if it's meant to be, as if I'm meant to love and adore you like this. I don't have to sell you some kind of front for you to like me. The realization that I had never felt like myself in a relationship until now is... harrowing, to say the least, but also enlightening. Maybe I've grown since the last time I dated someone, maybe I just wised the fuck up, but gods does it feel freeing to just be my authentic self. No lies, no exaggeration, no downplaying or underselling my personality.

I've been self conscious about my snoring for well over a decade now, to the point where I don't feel comfortable sleeping around people until I've known them for a long while, and I always apologize for the noise after I wake up. I've started to feel comfortable falling asleep around you, though. Most recently, I've taken 2 naps at your place. Both times, after I woke up and asked if I snored, you replied with; "A little, but it was cute". I don't think you know just how much that little reassurance means to me.

I'm fairly certain I have OCD (and I'm fairly certain you might have it, too), and it presents with a lot of relationship anxiety and catastrophic thinking. I remember crying after you invited me to the Joost concert, because I was terrified by what you might think if I started snoring. My brain would tell me that I'd keep you up all night, and you'd be so pissed off that you'd never speak to me again.

Obviously that didn't happen (and just look at us now!) but I don't think I can stress just how much that means. I suppose it's in the same vein as how you feel about the little rants you go on and how you have a tendency to yap about things. You always apologize, and I always tell you that I'm happy to listen. I love your voice, your wording, your passion... I love to listen because it's a part of who you are, and I love you.

At the end of the day, we're still figuring things out, but we work well together. We're both healing and helping each other grow through this relationship, and I think that's one of the most beautiful things. I'm looking forward to celebrating 6 months well spent with you, lovie.