journals

october 2nd, 2025

Maybe I'm too self-centered for my own good.

And when I say "self-centered", I don't mean it in the narcissistic "I'm the only one that matters" sense or the confident "Why should I care about what others think?" sense. I mean it in the "Everything bad that happens is my fault and is always a consequence of something I did" sense. I always jump to the conclusion that all of my problems stem directly from my actions. I know it's irrational, and I know it's extremely unlikely, but my brain just doesn't leave it alone.

I know now that your silence likely stemmed from how anxious you've been lately. Still, I can't shake the feeling that I've done something to spark that anxiety in you. My brain can't quite decide if my main offence was asking you to come to South Carolina with me, or if there's some other unspeakable crime I've committed that I can neither solidly name nor place in my memory. Even though I know that random spikes in anxiety are commonplace in our relationship (for the both of us), there's still that lingering, nagging thought that this specific bout of unease was triggered by some uber-specific sin of mine.

Alas, I don't have much time left until 4 PM, and while I should definitely be on my way to my psychology class right now, I'd much rather be there for you when you need me. My grades are decent anyway, I'll be fine.

september 30th, 2025

We both know that I'm an incredibly anxious person. I worry too much about everything, and I constantly overexplain my thoughts, because I'm scared my actions might be taken the wrong way or misunderstood.

5 days ago, when I first told you about how I'll sometimes delete texts before you've even read them, you understood, but you made it clear that you didn't want me to worry or get anxious over it.

I've really been trying to not delete any more messages since then, but it's been particularly hard these past 2 days. A couple nights ago, I sent a few messages asking if you'd be alright coming down to South Carolina with me for my dad's memorial. I mean, he's not dead yet, but he definitely won't be around for much longer at this point. I made sure to clarify that I absolutely understand if you can't/won't take time out of your schedule to mourn a man you've heard nothing but horrible things about. I know you've got a whole world of things going on at any given moment, and I'd never want to pile my own problems onto your plate.

You've come on and offline a couple of times today, and I'm starting to doubt myself again. I'm wondering if this was way too big of an ask, if I should start backpedaling, if I should toss out a "nevermind" or something of the sort.

Sadly this entry won't have any sort of satisfying end to it. Not unless you text me within the next 5 or so minutes and say "yes, August, I'd love to come with you on a long ass road trip to Middle of Nowhere, South Carolina. I'd love to watch you bawl your eyes out at your Vavó's kitchen table as you play a match of pokemon against your brother. I'd love to witness you going through the life-changing, soul-crushing, and incredibly humbling experience that is the grief of losing a parent. I'd love to witness the raw vulnerability of it all."

But that window has closed, and the only discord notification I have is from an XLOV server. I'm half considering sending you another stupid, self deprecating meme to get your attention. Nobody ever tells you just how pathetic you feel waiting on someone you love. It's almost as humbling as the grief itself.

september 23rd, 2025

It's officially been 7 months and 25 days since we started talking, 7 months and 24 days since I saw you in person for the first time, and 5 months and 28 days since we started dating. Our 6 month anniversary is almost here, and I don't think I've ever been more anxious. I mean, I don't think I've ever been in a relationship that's lasted this long without it starting to fall apart at least a little bit by now. Everything from here on out is uncharted territory, and that scares me. But I'm excited — and so incredibly happy, possibly happier than I've ever been in a relationship.

I've found that it's easy to love you. So easy to the point where it feels natural, almost as if it's meant to be, as if I'm meant to love and adore you like this. I don't have to sell you some kind of front for you to like me. The realization that I had never felt like myself in a relationship until now is... harrowing, to say the least, but also enlightening. Maybe I've grown since the last time I dated someone, maybe I just wised the fuck up, but gods does it feel freeing to just be my authentic self. No lies, no exaggeration, no downplaying or underselling my personality.

I've been self conscious about my snoring for well over a decade now, to the point where I don't feel comfortable sleeping around people until I've known them for a long while, and I always apologize for the noise after I wake up. I've started to feel comfortable falling asleep around you, though. Most recently, I've taken 2 naps at your place. Both times, after I woke up and asked if I snored, you replied with; "A little, but it was cute". I don't think you know just how much that little reassurance means to me.

I'm fairly certain I have OCD (and I'm fairly certain you might have it, too), and it presents with a lot of relationship anxiety and catastrophic thinking. I remember crying after you invited me to the Joost concert, because I was terrified by what you might think if I started snoring. My brain would tell me that I'd keep you up all night, and you'd be so pissed off that you'd never speak to me again.

Obviously that didn't happen (and just look at us now!) but I don't think I can stress just how much that means. I suppose it's in the same vein as how you feel about the little rants you go on and how you have a tendency to yap about things. You always apologize, and I always tell you that I'm happy to listen. I love your voice, your wording, your passion... I love to listen because it's a part of who you are, and I love you.

At the end of the day, we're still figuring things out, but we work well together. We're both healing and helping each other grow through this relationship, and I think that's one of the most beautiful things. I'm looking forward to celebrating 6 months well spent with you, lovie.